Fighting Psychopaths

I have been fighting people who fit the profile of psychopaths and surviving the destruction they spread all the days of my life. 

It has been close contact conflict.

It was all done in the “First person”, one to one.

Not “those people over there” but rather “these people, here, in this room”.

At first it was one generation to the next, me being the child (with help from adults, this is not a solo venture).

Then it was a peer to peer relationship lasting 24 years.

I’m am tired, deep down to my bones weary tired.

However, I’ll keep going because self determination is the prize which I have won.
I am made for this and can go again right now, right from the beginning if I have to.  It holds no fear.
For the rest of my days I’ll keep plugging through because this is who I am.

Let’s take a moment to try and paint a picture:

Do you know how tiring it is when, for example, you watch over a bunch of hyperactive and disobedient children?

When you first take responsibility for the kids you try to be strict, No, Don’t do that, but all you get back is a heightening of the mania and they end up a spitting, thrashing and whirling dervish.

So then you develop coping strategies and mould their behaviour where possible and ignore the bits that are destructive but aren’t actually hurting someone.

That is the tiniest taste of what it is like to try to survive in a situation with a psychopath.

If a psychopath walked up to you for the first time and handed you a business card which said “Joe Bloggs, Psychopath at Large” you would say “Oh, that’s nice, Joe is it, let me show you the buffet table” and then you would dump them there and walk away with barely a glance backwards.

But they don’t hand out business cards.

Quite the opposite.

The clever ones are particularly deceptive.

Phase 1. 
The fun for a psychopath is in being charming, frequently they’re well-presented and handsome, they are attentive and they say they would move mountains. They often present themselves as a rescuer and when they are around, you feel like a million dollars. This phase can last for weeks or years.

Phase 2.

In subsequent encounters, probably over a time frame of years, they cannot hide their attempt to dominate the other person and erode their sense of self (schools for the kids, where to eat, placement of cushions, who can come in the house, when you can go out so it is convenient for them), bringing out the indignant rage, the sulking, their sense of entitlement, their contempt at any comparison to people who do not behave like that.

Phase 3.
Later, if the other party refuses to capitulate, things become physically dangerous rather than “just” emotionally dangerous.

Have you heard about how “their eyes changed” or “they’re a nut job when they get going”?  Yep, alarm bells and warning signs.

The daft thing, for all their charm, is that they don’t know that they are not particularly bright and that people, “normal” people do give and take in relationships so their attempt at dominance is ridiculous because love is there for the sharing, not the taking.  They don’t feel love like civilians do, they feel dominant, superior, all powerful.  Love is not in the equation.  Sure, they’ll say the words to woo someone back, but the feeling is not there.  And no, their emotional bullying is not passion, it is emotional bullying.

The fastest way to make a psychopath leave you alone is to walk away.  Out of sight, pretty much out of mind after a while. 

Don’t get in to the mind games, don’t think this is some Teen-Lit and angst filled novel, don’t try to fix them because even their parents didn’t succeed, don’t buy in to their “my girlfriend left me, woe is me” schpeil because the girlfriend left for a reason.

Repeat to yourself

“I am a drama free zone, I am worthy of genuine love, I have myself and my friends, I don’t need validation, I validate myself, it is never too early and almost never too late to walk away” and then do just that.

Making plans for when it's over *Cough-Divorce-Cough*

Within the next few weeks, my email inbox will revert to receiving only notes from friends, bills, reminders to buy TV licences, and money off vouchers.

I’ll cease having to host and give space to the vast amounts of divorce paperwork.

I can hardly believe that the end is kind of in sight, especially if I stand on a step ladder and use binoculars.

It’s still going to take some time, I’m patient, but we cannot but help have answers very soon.

 

I’m not sure what I’ll do with all the spare email capacity and in my mind’s eye I perceive it like the electricity surge after the Super Bowl games (you know about that, right, where the utility companies have to be on alert during the adverts and at the conclusion because demand on the grid spikes)

I’m not sure what I’ll do with all the freed up time and all the intellectual capacity made available.

However, I’m sure looking forward to finding out.

Justify yourself.

This blog post is a hard one to share, and at time of composing I haven't yet decided if I will hit the button to put these thoughts out to the wider world.


I am struggling with the constant requirement to justify myself, to prove myself, to defend myself.  There are few areas of life where I am free from the request to justify myself. 


For clarity, I'm up for the task and am very clear on who I am and what I stand for.  I am talented and have grit to spare.


It just annoys the sunshine out of me and detracts from the things we have going on right now.  It costs me emotional and physical energy which could happily have been put to better use elsewhere.


When somebody says "justify yourself" with a negative connotation, I get to look back and remember all the hard work that got us to this point but in doing so I recall disappointments or disappointing people, and explain how I turned that situation around for the greater good and how through tenacity and determination I decided to shape a great life from a difficult one.


For the mean time, I'll set my stance and greet the day with a smile... it's only for a short while that I have to endure these requests.


What makes it easier is being a truth-holder.  I don't have to remember what I said about something, I just have to remember the something.


I am learning to wait well. 
Impatience has no positive place in this endeavour and I could go again, starting from the beginning, up the same hill, under the same conditions as many times as is necessary in order to succeed in continuing to design and create a pretty great life. 


In justifying myself, justice will prevail.

Being in the Photograph.

A tremendously good friend forwarded me some photos she snapped of a group of us girlfriends at the beach a couple of years ago. We live in different cities far from the coast and had all travelled in for the weekend.  The photos were a lovely surprise and a welcome gift.  I think it was a late September day in the UK which should have been wet and dreary but we caught a heatwave bubble and basked in glorious weather.  We almost had the beach to ourselves, our favourite seals popped their head up out of the water to say hi again, we had beach chairs and beach blankets, full tummies from breakfast and it was our final day at the coast.


Now, on first glance I look like a person who perhaps would or should have body issues.  I'm a little more round than tall although great boobies help me carry off an hourglass-ish look!  I have a little more latitude than longitude.  My face is quite round.  Without makeup - which I hardly ever wear - I look a little lived in... happy but lived in.  I am not particularly photogenic at all.


BUT... here's the important bit... I LOVE THE PHOTO'S.


They capture a group of friends all relaxed in each others company, laid out on the sand, laughing, making sand castles, spending time, reading books, resting before returning home later that same day to demanding families and demanding jobs in demanding cities.  There had been a couple of differences of opinion that weekend, that's what you get when you have 7 independent and strong willed women together.  The photos captured how much it was important to us all that we were still all together the morning after the disagreement.  It was perfect in it's imperfection, to me, at least.


What was photogenic is the love we have for each other.
Even when the object of the image is blinking in the photo (me) or is in repose in a chair in a not very flattering fashion, or when we've got our hair in an informal bun with no loose bits for framing the face, and no make up and so forth, the love we have for each other is clearly present.


I used to shy away from photos but nowadays for the most part I welcome them and it is all because I read a story of a lady reminiscing about her life.


The lady had said that she wished she'd been in the pictures, that she'd captured the moments of her husband and children but that she wished she had something to look back on in photographic form to capture the moments that she was in the image with them, that they'd shared it all together.


So, when someone points a camera in my direction nowadays I think to myself


"This is who I am, this body is kind to me, it nurtures and sustains me with good health, stamina and ability, and in 20 years time I'll wish I had this picture, scraggly hair day and all, and in 20 years time I'll wish I looked as good then as I do now, so take the picture and make sure I get a copy!"


Dear friends, please be in the picture. 


Let people capture the wonderful moments and the moments which turned out to be wonderful after all.  The ordinary times together are valuable.  Be glad you have a body, be glad of it's strength, be happy in the opportunities to share memories with great companions.  Don't pose, live a life of poise.  There's a lot of happy to be had. 

Phone-less in a phone soaked world

Phone-less.
A brick of glass and plastic.
A low-resolution camera and phone book.
That's all this bit o'kit had been reduced to.


I'm in between contracts and a keep-my-number transfer which should have taken a couple of hours is currently running at 5 days.


I could get shirty with the folks on the helpline, but they were nice and that's not how I roll.


I could troll their Facebook pages stating how awful they were, but on the scale of awful, this doesn't even begin to measure.


Folks on the telephone were horrified that this thing had gone wrong but it wasn't their fault, it's just a thing gone wrong and which is rectifiable. 


I must admit to being a little "pully face-y" in a grimace because


a) the school always phone, all the time
b) the kid memorised the number
c) I drive a beautiful clunker of a car and have breakdown cover
d) safety and quick dials to the authorities
e) I like phones


so it's all a bit rubbish, but it is only a bit rubbish, it'll pass, it'll work itself out, it'll be fine.


So, I'll see you when we've no longer gone dark. 


If you need me, I'll be the one talking to people and reading a paper book and drawing with pencils and learning the guitar and cooking new recipes and so forth because there's nothing better to do.  Hard life, eh?

Friends, Buddies, the Squad, The Tribe.

The past 4 years have been a colossal change for me and my little family.
Some things are great,
Some things are still challenging and an ongoing project.
Some things are just life, like bills and taxes.


What has made the difference between existing vs. living is pretty simple.
a) steely determination
b) my people.


Now when everything surprisingly and in catastrophic fashion hit the fan one Sunday evening, within 2 hours when the environment was made safer I texted my girls, my squad, just saying something like:
"I really need some love and support, I think my marriage just ended".


Not prone to any form of melodrama, they knew immediately that it was serious and they were as shocked as I, and were as supportive as any person in the history of humanity. 
I've never known better people. 
My heart sings at the thought of them, they're magnificent.


We were offered safe places to sleep (which I should have taken but was in too much shock), we were told we were believed, and we were told we were loved, and we were trusted to take the next steps - whatever they ended up being - they trusted in my ability when I didn't know if I did anymore.


I think in pictures then translate to words in order to communicate.
When I think of my people, my tribe, I get a picture of a cute little house and a white picket fence with a sturdy gate.  Then there is a second perimeter picket fence and a third.  My buddies are in the picture as walking straight through the outer, middle and inner gates.  They have permission to come and go, my house is their house, their hopes and dreams are my hopes and dreams for them.  Strangers and baddies are outside the outer perimeter, various levels of acquaintances are within the other gates.


Over the last 4 years it has gotten to the point where we need a bigger mental first garden, there are so many great and wonderful people in our lives.  The image that comes forth is of a garden party with pitchers of cool drinks and pretty chairs and blankets on the lush green grass.


But the image of the cute home is the grounding force, that is permanent, the fences move to accommodate new people but the house doesn't move, it represents known values, permanence, steely determination and grit.


You find your tribe through shared values, living up to the declaration of who you say you are, and by being kind even when there are other options available, by being willing to learn and grow, by listening to your elders in experience and years, by acting on what needs to be done, and sometimes people join you in those possibilities.


There is no space for wishy washy engagement here, time is short, life is urgent, it can be taken away and with that knowledge in the first person all the other priorities fall into place. 


If you are contented, be contented.  If you are upset, tell a friend, they can listen.  If you are pensive, excited, overjoyed... be those things, sometimes two or three of those things at once!  It gives other people permission to experience their life too.  It's awesome and contagious.


Some days have been ugly, authentic, raw and unfiltered.  A couple of people have sometimes been around when those days occurred but mostly it is a retreat to the house and wait for it to pass experience for me.  So, sorry to those people who were around when I couldn't filter the feelings for polite company anymore... I'll try and learn from those times. Or maybe, next time I won't try to spare you from it.  Let me know your preference on a self addressed envelope and I'll get to it.


Be willing to go it alone and be willing to accept company if others are headed in the same direction.


In advance of 2nd International Platitude Day, we only get 72 goes around the sun if we are lucky... if you are going to waste a day, realllly waste it.  Do it justice.  If you are facing something unpalatable, face it, get it done, endure it, grow and develop.  This too shall pass.  And look sideways sometimes to see and recognise who is at your shoulder, sustaining and supporting you.  It may be surprising who you find there. If they look sideways, do they see you?  Are you sustaining and supporting them too?  I think you are. 

Mouse Click Theory

I have a theory that in a given week we are gifted with a certain allocation of mouse clicks. 

If we are storming through our allotted tasks like a demon in days Monday-Thursday we use up most of those clicks.

Come Friday we are left feeling sluggish and as though we are running through treacle.

At which point we now feel the need to tell everyone around us that we are "feeling it", that we have run out of oomphf but are going to battle through anyway.

The theory of the mouse clicks answers so many oddities in my life. 

It lends my thoughts to effort and resilience.

It reminds me that stamina is required to complete tasks.

It reminds me that if "I'm feeling it" then frequently the end is in sight and I just have to push through.

It's quite a comfort in a back to front "at least I know what's going on" kind of way.

How to weather a storm (cough-divorce-cough).

We have to know our own worth.

We have to know the law or know someone who knows the law.

We have to be dealers in the truth.

We have to be resilient.

We have to be consistent.

We have to be patient.

We have to breathe.

We have to be still.

We have to be grateful for the journey.

We have to continue to learn and grow.

We have to recognise our blessings.

We have to hold on to the good.

We have to plan for happiness.

We have to embrace happiness at every opportunity.

We have to minimise negative influences.

We have to smile because we are content where we are.

We have to care for ourselves.

We have to put ourselves as a priority, at least once in a while.

We have to visualise the bamboo in a hurricane as it sways and lets the breeze through and causes no damage.

We have to trust there will be an end.

We have to believe there will be a new beginning.

We have to honour life as a joyous experience.

 

Honesty and The Landmark Forum

I grimaced today as I provided information requested by the court on a personal matter.

I didn’t want to be seen as “that awful woman” or selfish.

I wanted to people-please and make everyone like me by being overly generous.

But I checked myself, and recognised what was happening, reviewed whether being overly generous would be truthful and came to a decision.

I decided to stick with honesty and modest figures when assessing another person’s need and requirement.

It hurt, it made me anxious, I didn’t want people to hate me.

I did it anyway, hit send and I grimaced.

 

A few minutes later I received a correspondence back, so I breathed a little and opened the email.

I expected to be criticized but instead read from my solicitor….

 

“Thank you, Cheryl.  That’s perfect.”

 

There’s a lesson there somewhere.

Next time I’ll try to remember that as long as I am trying to review facts, stick to “what happened” and not “what did I make that mean?” (Thank you, Landmark Forum, from an alumni class of ’98 student) (http://www.landmarkworldwide.com)

and was willing to stand and say “yes, this is my honest assessment of the situation”, it is possible that things will not be as fraught as I had feared them to be.

 

 

Politeness, watching slugs play rugby.

When people have a pop at your kids, and when there is an unequal balance of power in the pop-er's favour, it is prone to bring out the momma bear.


I have a friend, lets call her "Beryl", who feels conflicted because back in the day she was raised in an eggs-is-eggs environment, where you said it like you see it, where the strongly worded and vocal disagreement was had, everyone knew where they stood, there was a victor and the vanquished, and then you all shook hands and got on with life.


Nowadays Beryl feels it is death by a thousand cuts.


There's lots of being required to be polite, to word emails carefully, to not be seen to be too authoritative, to be seen to be collaborative, to be reasonable.


In the immortal words of my mum, "I'll Give You Reasonable!!!" while rolling up her sleeves and taking out her hoop earrings!


Someone forgot we live politely nowadays, they got above themselves and verbally abusive, and forgot that She Is Defended.
So, off went emails for traceability, politely worded requests, a declaration of my position in this matter, polite polite polite.


This would be Gibbs from NCIS's nightmare in boatbuilding terms because it is going against the grain.  There's a reason you should go with the grain, it smooths the edges, you get better results, but I guess in Lumberjack terms it is necessary to go horizontal in the cut rather that vertically as per the growth if you want to fell the beast ahead of you.


Now, Beryl's tummy is tied in knots because historically this situation could have been resolved by now but it is so very, excruciatingly slow, like watching slugs play rugby, and this is not a situation with which we have an ample quantity of time. 


So, move it people!  Get a wiggle on, light a fire under your feet, get cracking, get it sorted because your way is not necessarily correct.

I can feel it lifting -

A couple of months ago I wrote about now sometimes I can feel an episode of feeling blue roll in right here...
http://rightsizeglass.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/depression-minor-head-cold-sometimes-flu.html
and over the past few days I felt an episode of wobbly emotional health start to envelop me again - boooooo hisssssssss - *throws popcorn at the screen*

But!!!!!!!!!  But, I have amazing resilience, phenomenal powers of analysis and deduction, and beautiful friends.

The resilience has be honed over what feels like millennia, I've been here before and got out of it, I can do it again.

The powers of analysis have been honed over decades, why am I feeling this way? What triggered it? Is there something hiding behind what looks like the trigger?  Is the trigger based in reality or am I worried about things which may not even come to pass?  What do I have control over and what do I have to relinquish?  What can I do?  Have I eaten?  Have I eaten something with vitamins?  Am I tired?  Have I been outside today?

And the beautiful friends have been gathered over a lifetime, some more recently than others but equally valuable and loved.  They said "You've got this, we love you, breathe, did you eat? Do you know we love you?  Do you know that you are totally kicking this things backside? Can you see yourself how we see you?  You have got this, it'll be great, it's going to be amazing, buckle in for the ride, enjoy it and breathe".

Now, I ask you, who among us could not see the joy and blessings in their life with experience and talents and friends like that? Who?

How do I help?

My friend has a problem.

This is a different “friend” than last week’s post.

My friend is the most genuinely confident person I ever knew while at the same time is terrified of everything.

Let me try to explain.

 

They would walk in front of anyone to protect those they love, and those they’ve never met who need help.

They would up sticks around the world to proclaim what they believed to be true for 18 months, frequently meeting hostility, frequently having the most amazing experiences they’ve ever known.

They would start over, time and time again with hardly a blink.

This friend picks up for the weekend and goes on adventures to discover new parts of the country.

This friend walks for fun, around reservoirs, through town, just walks long-ish distances.

 

They are afraid to walk to the corner shop in case they don’t make it fearing that their energy runs out and they can’t get back.

They are afraid to do the laundry in case they run out of energy and cannot complete the task.

They are afraid to change around the layout of their furniture in case they get part way through and cannot complete the task.

They are afraid to cycle with their family in case they can’t get back.

They are afraid to cook dinner in case they burn it.

 

The Macro / Micro expressions of courage and fear make my friend really tired.

They are conflicting.

 

Fear does not stop my friend.

They are often on the cusp of anger, a meltdown, a cry-fest, but these things do not stop them.

They cook the dinner, go to the corner shop for bread, do the laundry, change the furniture after procrastinating for weeks.

The fear does not stop the person on a long term basis but is debilitating and tiring.

 

They try to explain it like having a water barrel with a tap to draw down water, but fear that there are punctures and not enough water would remain, and what if there wasn't enough water in the container in the first place to provide enough water to keep folks alive?

They say that most things are easy, terrifying but easy once they co-exinstingly conquer the run-and-hide emotions and do it anyway.

They say the big stuff is easier than the little stuff.

They say the big stuff is a doddle by comparison.

 

I don’t know how to help this person.