The Ying and Yang of Family

I am English. I am pleased to be so.
The English stereotype is historically of the old stiff upper lip, don't make a scene, don't make a fuss, dignity above all else. However that is nothing like my experience of being English.

Since the late 1950's, the English started expressing publicly that they needed more freedom of expression, they needed the opportunity to carve out their own path in life. As the rights of the individual were championed in the courts, there were some casualties along the way. No longer could a man expect his wife to do and be a substitute mother to him and for a few years the divorce courts had a booming trade while those who could not adapt to a more equal life were set aside in favour of those that could. It was a bumpy few decades but the divorce courts trade is now waning by comparison, the majority of children in this country are being raised in stable two parent families. Perhaps not the original two parents, but stability and love abound.

Families can provide a nurturing environment to raise up the next generation, or to support friendships, or teach a person how to cut a path in the commercial world.  What starts in the family ought to be love, boundaries, affection, belonging, aspiration. These help a person learn to deal with lifes knocks along the way. They teach emotional self regulation and how to overcome hurdles and obstacles.

When a healthy environment is less available, the effect may not be experienced for decades.

When life hits us with unexpected outcomes it can be a shock but we bounce back.

Resilience is defined as a material being able to receive an impact, disperse and expel the force with no visible or lasting damage being incurred.

People who were not able to learn early in life how to be resilient must needs learn the lesson later, and it is a painful one.

When the need to be resilient in every single aspect of a persons life happens all at once, it is not a pretty sight.  They are whelmed, threatening to be overwhelmed. They do not know how to express resilience in all of these areas or how to genuinely feel resilient or how to impartially review the multitude of situations they are simultaneously experiencing.

When there is no way through, there are hopefully some strong friendships.
When the whelmed individual asks the honest question, and the caring and honest answers come in, it gives the asker a stick in the sand to start measuring the direction of the sun, thus the person finds out where they are and can start to decide where they want to be, and plot a course.

People raise people.

All that good folks want is for a better shake than their predecessors and for their offspring to have a better shake than themselves.

We each have a personal responsibility to learn, grow, and develop the skills that were either never taught or were taught but we were not listening that day.

Hurt people hurt people.

Rising above the disappointments or unfulfilled expedtations prevents one from becoming the instigator in the future.  While it is natural for someone to want others to feel some of that which they dish out, it would only continue the cycle for future decades, perhaps future generations.

Cultivate friendships in the good times.
These friendships will enrich your life.
These friendships will point the way to emotional resilience when you are surprised at the immediacy of the emergency.

Resilience and happiness are the long term goals.
Aside from a few wrinkles and a few extra silver hairs, we might be doing alright.

What would I tell my teenage self?

What would I tell my teenage self?

• You are smart, never put yourself down again.
• Stop hiding.
• Bullies will stagnate, you will flourish.  Stuff 'em.  Not in 20 years and after counselling, but right then and there, tell them to go stuff themselves and never look back. You are magnificent. 
• Other peoples troubles are their own.  Empathy, yes.  Giving up your freedom for their happiness, no.
• Don't give people your money because you believe their story.  They believe their story.  It's still a story.
• The best way out will be education.
• Nobody's told you this yet, but if you are not good at something straight away, practice makes things easier and you improve.  If you find maths hard, practice it a little more.  Don't just do the homework to receive the mark and move on.  Learn how to master the principle.
• That kid you're playfully teasing for being a swot, you'll wish you were him on exam day.
• Go to University - even if your teacher pulls that ummmh face to derail you, no matter what it takes and no matter who opposes it.  Find a way.  Again, other peoples troubles are their own.
• Spend less than you earn.
• Have fun where you are.
• Take the taxi.
• Curfews are for idiots.
• Let them worry, you are fine.
• Shake it off and move on.
• Buy that house you wanted.
• Buy the second house you wanted too.
• Buy those other houses you could afford but were talked out of because you thought other people must know better.
• Move abroad when the opportunity presents itself.
• Buy the VW Golf, not the Ford.
• It works out fine.

~

Single Mum Stuff

I am a mum, a mom, a single mum, I am single mumming it.

I am the adult.

I am the adultiest adult in our house.

If look for an adultier adult, it dawns on me that I need look no further than the person standing in my shoes.

I work for a living outside the home.

It is how I stay sane with adult conversation and company, and how I keep the lights on and the tummies fed.

It is a humble job, it’s long hours, it’s not paid particularly well, but well enough that we have most of what we need and some of what we want.

 

We are doing great, knock on wood, fingers crossed.

Although it is tiring, with a big knock on wood, it is sometimes easy peasy.

 

There are some things I would like to point out at this juncture.

1. It is a happy life.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything mediocre.
2. I am busier than you if you are in a 2 adult family.  I don’t care how hard you work, how poorly you feel, how many kids you have or don’t have, how large the corporation is that you head up as the CEO, how hard it was to broker that Peace Treaty ratified by the UN which brought about world peace, I am busier than you.  There is nobody with whom to share the load. There is nobody to sit beside. There is nobody to be the other half of the Yoke carrying partnership, there is nobody in my home to whom I can sound off or ask impromptu advice, there is nobody else who will start dinner while I finish something off, and there likely will never be again.
3. There is no wiggle time to goof off.  Everything, even the fun times, must have a purpose.  Every car ride is an opportunity to check in with my teen or sing with her to the radio or ensure she is in the right place at the right time to keep the doors of opportunity open to her.  Every dinner at the table is an opportunity to listen to the music she’s listening to, watch the YouTube shows she’s watching, hear about how school was. Every visit with family in another city is to give me a few minutes support and to foster bonds between my teen and them in case anything was ever to happen that I couldn’t be around for a while. Every visit to the park is to foster physical and emotional health.  Every visit to the theatre is to encourage art appreciation and creativity. Every church activity is to help her recognise the things she needs to recognise so that she can forge through life with courage.
4. I have an enormous responsibility to drive safely and get home every evening; it is at the fore of my mind daily.
5. The list of things to do to keep the house and us ticking with a roof, power, water, heat, wi-fi, clean clothes, homework done, the place tidy enough and enough interaction with others that we stay sane is almost endless.  If I sit down, I know there is something else I could or should be doing.
6. If I am leaving my kiddo with someone so I can go to a function, we need to get it done and I need to get home.
7. Friends are cherished.  Good friends are people for whom I would jump through a hoop of fire. Just the one, though!
8. I love hearing your triumphs and problems.  If we can be laughing hard at life, that is a joyful moment for me.
9. I like helping out with your kids if I can fit it in and I'll do all in my power to fit it in.  As a firm believer in “it takes a village to raise a child” I am happy to put in the love and the time to be there for your kids as you have been there for mine. 
10. My resources, physically and financially, are very finite.  They run out quickly.  If I am taking your child to a dance, I appreciate you getting them to a central point if possible and I appreciate a small donation toward the petrol to get them to another city and back because I go without lunch to make these things happen.  If you are going to a dance with your child, I appreciate the occasional offer to provide a lift for my little ‘un and I will donate to your time and resources to help make that happen.  If you are asking for a round robin pick up, I appreciate enough notice so that I can knock off work earlier so that I can make sure my kiddo has had dinner, done homework, so that we can get to your home, pick up your kid, get them to the place they need to be too – remembering that if you live 15 minutes from my house, that adds half an hour to the journey.  If there are two of you adults home, I judge you.
11. There are a few things which pique my interest but nothing about which I am obsessed. I like seeing you folks go nuts over stuff but I just don’t get it.
12. My favourite thing is seeing anything done well.  Anything.  Reversing that truck around a corner first time, kudos.  Erecting scaffolding, I’ll stand and watch.  Thatching a cottage roof, I’ll take a picture. Surfing with panache, style points to the max. Stitching that dress, same. A great presentation to a room full of strangers, hats off to you.  Making food that looks like art, wowzers. Making food that's not burned, I stand in awe.

It’s not a competition, but if it were then I’d no doubt win!

I have all my stuff together (knock on wood – we do a lot of that around here) and I might make this look less hard than it actually is because you become accustomed to your lot in life and knock on wood things are going ok right now.

I actually find life quite absurd and funny.

I’m not asking for help.

I appreciate that your life is taxing too.

We do what we do because it needs to be done.

 

Three things would help.  Don’t tell me you know how I feel because your husband went on a boy’s weekend last year and it was hell, don’t get in the way of me getting back to my family, and if I’m looking worn out don’t tell me I look like hell because chances are I lost precious sleep trying to raise my kiddo or help another person raise their kids too.

 

 

 

 

When a desire leaves you

For years it has been easy to consider the possibility of killing in self defence or defence of those who cannot protect themselves.
It has always seemed logical and appropriate.
It was always held in check for the absolute sanction.

Recently the feeling that this would be simple, necessary and easy has left me.
Sure, technique is basic and doesn't leave the mind.
The feeling of being capable and competent remains.
But the absolute knowledge that it would one day be necessary and appropriate has passed.

I feel a little lonely without it.
How do normal people manage?

Charity Fatigue and The Need To Nap

I have charity fatigue.

Everywhere I turn people are asking for sponsorship, donations, food banks, clothing for migrants, Pat Dogs, home help animals, animal shelters, children’s charities, overseas donkey sanctuaries, water aid, homeless shelters, hospices…

I don’t agree with all of the causes but know that other people feel passionate about things close to their heart so I try to respect their personally held views.

I want to help them all – apart from the animal ones, unaffordable animals living in the home have no place in society and should be put down if a suitable home can’t be quickly found – but I can’t.

It’s too much.

I can’t manage it.

At the weekend, Tesco added 30% to the food bank effort collected that day, kind of like a Food Gift Aid, so we were able to donate a couple of bits.

Seeing people in hard times makes me physically tired.

I want people to have all they need and some of what they want.

I don’t believe that “if we all chip in, it’ll get the job done faster”, I just don’t.

So, I have a dilemma.

How do I politely decline?

I’ve never taken rejection well and am not fond of rejecting others.

I gotta get me a tougher skin.

Nearly 3 Years After The World Changed Forever

Nearly 3 years ago, "the incident" occurred which changed the trajectory of mine and my child's life forever. 
Fortunately we are over the initial impact, have landed on our feet after bouncing a few times on our tushie, we are within acceptable parameters for emotional strength and wellbeing.

• We have a roof.
• We have food and a table to eat it at, for many months there it was pasta every night and I was grateful through the grimace.
• We have clothes on our back and shoes on our feet, the child decided to have a growth surge two days after we left and has grown about a foot and gone through 4 sizes of shoe since that time. She was humble enough to wear some of my clothes until we could replenish her wardrobe, it broke my heart to have to do that but she rocked the look and it made me love her a little more.  Now we are fighting because she procrastinates putting away her copious amounts of laundry.  I see the blessing and recognise how daft the disagreement may be in the eternal scheme of things.
• We have beds, working White Goods in the kitchen, and petrol in the car. Each of these things were in limited supply.
• Our house is warm and cosy.

To go from paying half for everything to paying everything for everything was a leap, an enormous leap, and if I thought I lived frugally before it was nothing compared to now. The crushing responsibility of keeping another human being alive, on your own, kept me awake more nights than I care to recall in detail.


I took lots of my possessions and sold them. One particular time I took items for sale and received the cash, the child came out of school with a letter for a school trip for £7 less than I had secured that very day. She obviously went on the trip.


You'd be surprised what you can do without.
You'd be surprised at which items you are happy to sell to make ends meet.
You'd be surprised at how much stuff which had seemed so important now looks like one more thing you have to carry next time you move.
Simplifying is the easiest way through.


When I eventually get a forever home, I am going to buy an ornament, a small and ugly thing.  It will stand as a reminder that apart from dusting, I'll never have to pick that thing up again and move it all the days of my life unless I want to. 


I am looking forward to going out ornament shopping.
That will be a happy day.
But you know what, I'll just add that particular happy day to all the others we have accrued and banked in the past 3 years, of which there are many to choose from.
Ladies and Gentlemen, it gets better, hang on in there.