How to hold a grudge, part 1

First, you gotta make yourself better than the other person.
This might take some work, be prepared to put in the hours.
Notice how your home is better run than theirs, your furniture is threadbare because you are being "more honest", how you only get to do <insert thing> because you are being more authentic in your daily actions.  Or make a mental note of how many extra hours you worked on that project in the office but they got the lions share of the credit.


Next, you have to pick a thread, the thread has to be from their character, their weakness, their mistake.  Then you have to start tugging at that thread, make the whole silk blouse unravel, pucker and ruin it properly.  You may need to get your foot in there too to have enough purchase and traction to reaaaallllly yank at that thread.  You need to tell yourself that you would have snipped that emotional thread and quit making that disgusting mistake MONTHS ago, YOU would have gotten help with that emotional thread, or done that cool thing with the needle where you tuck it in to the back of the fabric so it doesn't show or continue to snag.


Then, you need to tell EVERYONE how cool you are being about the whole situation but if you were not cool you would have had to be honest about how disturbing that thread it, out their for everybody to see, and they AREN'T EVEN DEALING WITH IT, ughhhh, but nope, you are being nice.


Finally, you have to keep staring at the thread when they are trying to get on with their life, just don't take your eyes off that thing.  Even if you do manage to take your eyes off it, keep the dialogue going "remember the thread, don't, for the love of everything sacred forget about their thread, how dare they talk to you so nonchalantly while they're standing there with this thread".


If the thread, or grudge, is resolved by the other person, never forget that it was once there.


Follow these handy steps and never be caught short footed again.

Even the choir point and laugh! :)

Singing season is nearly upon us which makes me seven kinds of happy.

I’m not gifted or talented in this arena but I am happy and enthusiastic.

With a running start and a lot of help I can get through most songs.

However, I cannot get through some songs without crying.

It is getting ridiculous.

Even the choir point and laugh now :)

My daughter, all 5’10” of her, will bend down and kiss me on the forehead saying “awhhh, you’re so sweet”.

I have been giving a lot of thought to what is doing this, why am I reacting this way, what can I do to stop it?

I don’t cry particularly at songs on the radio, or just general songs.

Some bands make me switch off the radio (Coldplay).

Half a phrase, if pertinent to a life experience, can “do me up like a kipper” as they’d say in London where I grew up.

An idea, a hope, a happy aspiration, a companionship with something bigger than myself, a “you’re not alone in this, we’ll get through”, an “I know what’s going on, I get it” or a “your friend felt this very same way” is able to get under my ribs.

Those very same ribs that I protect and defend and pretend are impenetrable.

Just for a moment.

Sometimes the moment is less than a heartbeat long.

It takes away my ability to breathe, speak or blink without crying.

That thing where your throat closes happens too.

And the daft thing is that I’m not even sad when it happens.

Momentarily and out of context, grief or hope, or griefy hope, will wash through me.

Even now while typing this just the idea of it is making me a little misty eyed.

So, ever being a solution oriented person, I’m trying to face the fact that this happens and find a way to fix this embarrassing problem.

I am currently trying to desensitise myself to one of the songs in the list of numbers we are practicing.

I’m on my 17^th listen to it already today but so far no dice, it’s not working, I am no more numbed to it than I was at the 2^nd listening.

And this is all well and good for the items I know are on the agenda, but our lovely choir masters are deft at a sneak attack of bringing in a new item, with its cruel and unusual punishment of half a phrase which does me up like a kipper, so a retrospective action is fine but I’m not able to forward plan and prevent this happening thus far.

I’m stumped.

Send in your ideas on a postcard.

X

Charity: springboard to progress?

I was chatting with a friend this evening and the subject turned to charity.
We talked about how charity is love in action, it fosters a desire to understand others, to avoid being easily offended, to not be overly disappointed when someone doesn't meet out expectations, to basically cut someone some slack and see their attributes rather than what is immediately apparent.
We talked about how it is a skill acquired over time.
We talked about how it is sometimes easier to go easier on others than ourselves, that we can expect a lot and be our own harshest critics and learning to give ourselves a little breathing space is a priority.

On the way home I asked myself "if I am being kind to myself, what's in it for me?"

An original to me thought popped into this ol' noggin.

If I know I am going to cut myself some slack, I am free try new things without fear of a personal berating session.
What's in it for me is the freedom to embrace a dash of uncertainty.

There will be one fewer critic in the stands because I shall try to be graceful when things go right and also when they don't.
To be on the field with mud and sweat on your face is an opportunity not to be missed.
Learning to become your own coach, your own cheerleader, your own binkie rather than your own worst enemy and critic is worthy of the time and investment to make it work.
I would not give it up for all the tea in the APAC region!

All hands on deck at 0900hrs.

Cripes.
We have known this was coming for months.
We have been pep talking eachother and ourselves for weeks, nay, months.
After hours today a meeting request was sent to every employee to be in a company wide, simultaneous meeting at 0900hrs to discuss the next stages of the reorganisation.
Each discipline to go to their assigned area and receive instruction.
Bile filled the pit of my stomach.
I still have a bit if trauma left over from the last time this happened.
Having recently had a very good managerial review, I came to the determination on the drive home that nothing is personal, this is just shaping the company the way the new boss wants it for continued success and growth.
I have tried to relax tonight as best I can.
~

Depression: A minor head cold, sometimes the flu

Depression.  Ahhh, what a neurological gift, a total cluster, fubar and snafu.
Fatigue makes things worse.
Worry about things real or possible future clusters.

But what is it like to be in a depressive episode?
For me it is like having the snuffles in your brain.
It varies in degree, some times you barely notice other than to give a little sniff, other times you might feel wretched but know that if you grit your emotional teeth you can go to work, get your stuff done, get home, get the kids fed bathed and in bed, you can go to that function, you can wear the frock heels and lippy and when you get home you will be too tired to sleep like a fractious baby but you didn't let anyone down today.
Other times it is like the mental serious cold, you hunker down for a day or two to protect others from catching it or turn your face or warn people nicely you have the snuffles so they can protect themselves too.
Different times it feels like mental flu, so bad you don't know how you can be up and about, and when people see you they kindly enquire after your wellbeing or tell you that you look like death.

So that is a 2 minute insight in to mental snuffles.

Migraine - What does it feel like?

You know when you leave a cupboard door open and then crack your head on it?

Or the pain of the first few seconds of a properly stubbed toe that makes you screech and you cannot breathe properly afterward?

How you can hardly think of anything other than the cracked head, or the stubbed toe.

That is a little like a migraine but the acute pain lasts for days and doesn’t disperse.

I've found a gel pack ice cap on t'internet to alleviate the first signs of said Migraine, will be picking up one of those bad boys and trying them out on our next dance around the park.

Victory Or Death

Victory Or Death!
There is no aspect of my life right now where I couldn't stand on a table and yell this whilst brandishing some kind of implement like a Warrior Queen of ancient tales.
I'm made for it, built for it, vulcanised in the furnace of life, I'm like "meh, what you gonna do?".
But when this happens I don't want to cook.
It actually becomes impossible for me to cook an edible meal.
I loose the ability to prepare food.
Every attempt ends up in the bin, charred beyond recognition, all nutrition destroyed.
Even the idea of opening the fridge, freezer or cupboard is too much and become agitated and have no patience.
Weird, eh.
Chip shop it is, then.

Lara Croft Latina Gangster Hobo

Shocked! 
Wear your own clothes day.
The LDS rock chick girl child walked in wearing t-shirt, flannel shirt, short shorts, tights with lots of holes, army boots, bandana and lots of eye makeup with a hair braid twist.
Kudos mum points for biting my tongue.


Thing is, she looked beautiful, it was just a shock.
"It's only fashion, it's only fashion, it's only fashion" was my mantra as I wafted imaginary smelling salts under my nose.
She saw the face, she secretly and quickly packed a pair of black jeans, she changed at school.
Better than piercings.
Even with all the holes in the tights, she was mighty beautiful.

Chin up

Was speaking with my Home Teachers about this months message this week.
A bit of it was perseverance, carry on carrying on, eye's on the prize stuff.
It occurred to me just now that a dollop of folks have said "I'm here for you", "You can count on me", "Anything you need" and others just went to complete radio silence after the incident 2.5 years ago.


I've just realised I feel a little bit of compassion mixed in with the apathy I feel toward them.
The disappointment has faded, the emotional resilience is increased.


I just feel sad for them that they didn't choose to come along on this amazing journey.
They missed out.

Angry

Today I lost my cool.
Even as it happened I was saying out loud to the recipients of my wrath 'I know my response is disproportionate to the situation but I am seriously cheesed you lot didn't listen to me.  I said no 11 months ago and now this is a total poxy cluster'.
Voice rising.
Face becoming flushed.
That vein in my neck ... oh that blinking vein.

So, I lost my cool today and if they'd done what I said 11 months ago, they wouldn't have copped it.

So there.

Going all Les Mis & 24601

I frequently ponder what it means to be human. What makes me me verses what makes you you.


I often find my ol' noggin gets itself stuck in a loop like a poorly constructed VLookup #N/A. (Jeepers, those annoy the sausage's out of me).


I think I have the answer boiled down to 1 million factors.
One of those factors has had the most lasting impact on my wellbeing.
In times of happiness or times of trial, I have to be able to answer at a moments notice, the question "Who am I?"


The Landmark Forum started me on this particular path, they run classes in most major cities in Europe and North America.  What I liked about their approach is that no two people came away from the class with the same answer. 
"The Forum" was the start, but that was a long time ago, probably 17 years or so.


The question evolved in my little ol' noggin over the years and the only answers that would satisfy me were based around attributes and values, rather than who I was to someone else or what I did for my job, or where I go on holiday, or how many grandchildren I had or wanted to have. 


The "who I am to other people, what do I have, what do I do?" answers were transient, prone to be taken away - particularly in the case of unemployment or relationship changes, house moves, new friendships and so forth.  I need the answer to the question "if you were not here, who would I still be?"


17 years ago, my answer to the question was "Passion, Inspiration, Empowerment, Commitment".
To this day, that answer covers most questions and how I choose to respond.  Other attributes have joined the list.


My answer covers my attempts at raising a Daughter, my Employment, Life in General, and Relationships. I am committed to the idea of there being a relationship out there which is healthy and happy and beneficial to all parties involved.


To me, humanity is born of our physiology, our advanced brains, our dexterity, our teamwork, the development of language and communication, our inventive nature, our problem solving skills, our moral code and conduct of acceptable behaviour, our instincts embedded for thousands of generations.


My humanity is enriched by my core values and attributes.


When times get dark, as they frequently do, I am blessed to not get lost for very long. 
Sometimes remembering that I stand for Commitment helps me stay the course.
Sometimes remembering that I stand for Empowerment helps me in meetings where I need to negotiate a way to meet the needs of the person I am representing.


If I am lucky, I get 70+ years on this planet. 
That's 70 free goes around the Sun.
They're going to have to take me from this life kicking and screaming because I love it so much.
They're going to have to distract me with something shiny so I quieten down for a minute.
Even the crummy days are worth it.


If someone were to ask you what you stand for, and you were not allowed to answer in anything that is corruptible (buildings, organisations, relationships and such) who might you be?

Routine: Friend or Foe?

Routine. 
Known expectations. 
Drudgery.
Boredom.
Freedom.
Liberty.
Framework.
A starting point.




When everything goes to hell in a handbasket there are a few options open to us. 
We can run around like headless chickens, panicking, knowing not what to to.
Or we can dig in, find ourselves, who we are, what we stand for, and do the next right thing on the list.




This is not limited to the Autism community, of which I am an honorary associated member thanks to family relationships with Awesome people. 


It is a choice we make in a moment of extreme experience.




But to make the choice, we first have to have a plan and if possible, some Allies.


Allies are like non-violent gang members, they've got your back, they remind you who you are until you recognise the person they're describing again, just the very idea that they are there holds you together.


The choices we make, when we are lost in a sea of bleughhhh, could be founded on "what worked before" as an experimental starting point.  Being locked in to responding as you always have is not healthy.  It is stifling. 


Using past success as a potential starting block opens the way for moments of absolute genius and clarity.


Routine bores me to heck and is a comfort blanket at the same time.


If I know what is expected of me as a baseline, I am then free to be open to flashes of inspiration, to enrich the experience beyond expectation, to dig deeper on the tricky days, but by golly the idea of routine just makes my eyes droop.


It leads on to the preparatory question... who am I?


We'll talk about that another day.

PTSD: don't be selfish, there's enough to go around.

A guest speaker on PTSD didn't recognise this evening that a Kiddo was in a full out Flashback Panic Attack because of the actions of a <**&%$*&^%*$%> father who coincidentally was a Sergeant in the British Army.

The topic was Help For Heroes and remembrance day, and these expert speakers stood between their audience and the door, the exit. The experts caused more harm than good.

It was an accident.

They would never have realised that there could be a 14 year old in their audience experiencing in real time the very thing they were discussing.

In the middle of England, in a Youth Club, who could have anticipated that?

What I need is a commitment.

A promise that people will leave a space sufficient for a different opinion, that you leave a physical space sufficient for a person to excuse themselves and that you stop and ask the question if something seems amiss.

To avoid embarrassment, give everybody a 5 minute break to walk around and give the kiddos the freedom to choose if they return to the room.

Now, this Kiddo has amazing Youth leaders who couldn't figure out what was wrong but who recognised something was amiss even though she couldn't explain herself, and they sustained her until her Mum got there. They did everything they knew how to do and from the bottom of my heart I thank them.

People, make a space for safety, even if that safety means leaving. Please.

10 minutes in.

It's been 10 minutes since my last post.... Hi, My name is Mojo and I am a share-aholic. 


Today is not a Tidal Wave day (all overwhelming and teeth gritty), it is pretty blinking awesome and not at all smothery.


You will notice as we get to know each other that I make up words, some find it amusing or endearing, others just shake their head and move on.


Yesterday my boss, in the half yearly appraisal, told me I was awesome and doing a bang up job, therefore it must be true.


I went in to the meeting, held in a board room with a big wood table and refreshments served and everything, with a swan like façade of grace but a jelly on the inside and he started the meeting with that little nugget. 


Would it be a more productive world if we knew what people thought of us, if we knew that they were delighted today, that they're no longer angry, that they're excited about the collaboration y'all have in store? 


There'd be some down sides to that too, knowing that someone was cheesed at you, not being able to pretend that's not happening, having to own your relationships with people fully.


Imagine the possibilities, the saved emotional energy of not having to second guess.


Imagine how creative and rewarding knowing and responding accordingly could become.
 
My daughter jokingly berates me for making friends too easily.  What she is actually seeing is my way of bumping along nicely with the other 7 billion roomies in my life.  She jokes that I made friends with an American family in a long queue for the loo at a McDonald's in London.  It was a funny and friendly encounter, I know that the family came from California, that they were over with their grown children and a couple of grandkids, that they were enjoying most of London and yet were still confused by queuing.  We're not on each others Christmas card list, we're not going to ring each other to find out what the scores on the rugby were, but it was a nice encounter.


I guess having served a mission in The Greece Athens Mission, perhaps being a mum to a pretty stonkingly wonderful and challenging kiddo, and perhaps living up to one's heritage just brings out the "hey, how you doing?" in me.


So, how you doing? 

Inaugural Missives

There is a lot of pressure around an inaugural posting but never one to shirk from a self-imposed challenge, let me introduce myself. I am a woman in her 40's, Mormon somewhat, love the sciences, English and Mathematics, I work Full Time and have been in the workplace since the age of 12 where I lied about my age to get a bar job. I grew up in poverty,my goal upon leaving school was to get a job which was a goal which has rarely let me down. I am a Black Belt Karate. I was afraid of falling down to the point where my first ever skiing trip was a bust so I studied Jiu Jitsu and was thrown to the mat for a year before declaring that falling held no more fear. I live a humbly and fiscally restricted awesome life in the middle of England. There's more. Let's get to know each other.