Monday 25 April 2016

Even the good ones leave something to be desired...

If you're thinking of having a kid, a cute, snuggly, smells like talc kid, I would add a word of caution.
Go to the back garden, taking your purse filled with your money and bank cards, wallet, favourite things, your nice clothes, your ordinary clothes, and a box of matches.
Now set it all on fire.
Poke the fire for a while, really get it burning.
Burning good? 
Great.
Now take a demanding older person on holiday, never letting her out of your sight. 
Accommodate all of her wants and needs at all times, day or night.
If you plan on having more than one kiddo, take an extra adult for every extra kid, same rules apply, never let them out of your sight.
Now slap yourself in the face to simulate emotionally hurtful words the teens will throw at you.
Switch on all the lights in the house, leave them that way for 18 years. 
Start the taps running now.
Develop your career based on hoping your boss doesn't notice holiday days are being taken to coincide with teacher training days, all the time.  Fake a cold when overseas travel is mentioned.  A sneezy, "don't travel with me, look at this sneezy cold" cold.  Add a cough for authenticity.
Wet some bath towels and leave them as a trip hazard.
Have someone on standby to roll their eyes at you without notice.
Cook a dinner, have someone come and scrape that dinner in to the bin and get a chocolate croissant from the cupboard instead.
Leave everything, everywhere, and clamber over, then yell a while and get it all picked up and start over again.
Now stay awake for 15 years.
Managed to get a new purse?
Great, go back to the garden and burn that too.  No!  Don't take out your bank cards.
Now, if you still want babies, go for it.
Still fun?
Don't say you were not warned.

Thursday 21 April 2016

Jealous Buddhists and a Notepad - managing A.D.D.


Like most people I’ve always had a little Attention Deficit problem and found myself staring off in to space and half a conversation has gone by without me paying any attention at all.
I snap myself back in to the present moment and pick up the thread again.
It usually happens with I’m bored, or under pressure, or when I am awake. 

I remember my attention drifting off in science and nature class once when I was nine.  I’d decided that as a city girl I didn’t need to be able to classify trees based solely on its leaves.
In all reality I think I remember saying “this is stupid, there are no trees, I’m not doing it” so my little mind wandered into the void of nothingness.

I know a few Buddhists who would be very jealous if they weren’t Buddhists of my ability to consider nothing for a few minutes. 

Sound becomes muffled and far away, light softens and diffuses, and when I hear and feel my heart beat I am mesmerised for a period of time.


I heard Professor/Dr Robert Winston who is a very famous Doctor in the UK and who pioneered the “test tube baby” fertility treatment - once explain that in the developmental milestones of babies and young children, the quiet moments where they are staring out to space and focussed on nothing are the precise moment that neural pathways and connections are being laid down in the brain. It’s perfectly fine to let that happen and not interrupt their inactive activity or seek their attention, just let them be for a moment.

That’s lovely for babies.
I, however, am a grown woman.
So now when something threatens my concentration, I have a plan.



I have a A5 size distraction notebook and a pack of sticky notes.

Whenever I feel the sirens call of drifting off topic, I grab a sticky pad, scribble my thoughts, stick it in the book and knowing it is safe and captured, I get back on task. 

Then at a more opportune moment I review the scribbles on the sticky notes and get to choose which are actually important or urgent or potentially entertaining. 


Sometimes when I review those half captured thoughts it is inspiring and thought provoking, and other times I say to myself “why did you think that this, of all things, was important, Woman!”. 


The idea that the floating thoughts are captured on sticky notes somehow tells my little brain that they’re still portable, not permanently tethered to somewhere they ought not to be, and I can relax that the idea is still floating around out there in the world but I don’t have to fret over it right now. 


It works for me, frees up my attention to stay on task, and gives me a little peace of mind when I cannot get to that idea or important action right away.  I guess we all have our coping strategies for times when we are about to stray off track, but this is the one that works for me right now.  The current notepad is almost full, it is burgeoning with off topic ideas, and todays offering are “chairs, floor tiles, passport signatures”, three things that can wait.

Thursday 14 April 2016

I can feel it lifting -

A couple of months ago I wrote about now sometimes I can feel an episode of feeling blue roll in right here...
http://rightsizeglass.blogspot.co.uk/2015/10/depression-minor-head-cold-sometimes-flu.html
and over the past few days I felt an episode of wobbly emotional health start to envelop me again - boooooo hisssssssss - *throws popcorn at the screen*

But!!!!!!!!!  But, I have amazing resilience, phenomenal powers of analysis and deduction, and beautiful friends.

The resilience has be honed over what feels like millennia, I've been here before and got out of it, I can do it again.

The powers of analysis have been honed over decades, why am I feeling this way? What triggered it? Is there something hiding behind what looks like the trigger?  Is the trigger based in reality or am I worried about things which may not even come to pass?  What do I have control over and what do I have to relinquish?  What can I do?  Have I eaten?  Have I eaten something with vitamins?  Am I tired?  Have I been outside today?

And the beautiful friends have been gathered over a lifetime, some more recently than others but equally valuable and loved.  They said "You've got this, we love you, breathe, did you eat? Do you know we love you?  Do you know that you are totally kicking this things backside? Can you see yourself how we see you?  You have got this, it'll be great, it's going to be amazing, buckle in for the ride, enjoy it and breathe".

Now, I ask you, who among us could not see the joy and blessings in their life with experience and talents and friends like that? Who?

Tuesday 12 April 2016

Poxy brain flu !










Things for which I know I will soon be grateful, when the brain fog lifts:
work
kiddo
friends
close family
an ugly car that runs
house
endurance
choices
faith in the future
contentment in the present
the rule of law
neighbours
post
laughter
bad jokes
gerberas


Thursday 7 April 2016

For a tough broad I cry too much.

I consider myself to be a rufty-tufty kind of woman, one who can adapt to changes and roll with whatever is happening.  I consider myself tough, although "rufty-tufty" might belie that a little.  I consider myself to be empathetic, pragmatic, competent, emotionally independent with a little help, grateful for my friends, humorous and I mostly enjoy life regardless of some of the challenges that living in this time and this place presents to us.



But I cry, often. Not pretty, dab at the corner of the eye tears. 
We are talking about ugly tears, unpretty, undignified tears and a Rudolph red nose and quite frankly it is a tad embarrassing. I can feel it about to happen, my heart/emotions will be nudged, my eyes will prickle and my throat closes and I think "oh no, not again, not here, oh... there we go" and nothing I have thought of can retrieve the situation once the process has started.



I cry at photo's in the newspaper, there was a photo of a old, grey haired firefighter with his face contorted and crying at a 9/11 memorial and I totally lost the plot because I felt of his grief.
I cry at a fragment in a song, when it suddenly echoes my hopes or trials for a fraction of a minute.
I cry at a hope of something in the future, mostly to do with hopes for my child.
I cry at TV shows or news reports sometimes, not at the blatant "send us your money" reports, but sometimes at the response of a nearby person who intervened to make something better.
I cry at the Humans Of New York series, particularly the teachers who are making a difference.
I cry at TED talks, mostly the school principals who announce on the PA "if nobody told you today that you are loved, we love you".
I cry in disappointment.
I cry, and pretty much lose the plot, when I hear kids singing in Church.
I cry at the idea of crying.

It wasn't always this way, I had it under control for years and was able to function without this embarrassing affliction. But, I was numb, stoic, trying to keep it all together and I don't know which way of being I prefer, then or now.

I am mainstream, not a new age hippy, and the word "feelings" to me is quite a bit of a swear word and a cop out.  Yet it "feels" like I am feeling too much.  Sundays are my worst day - when I step in the chapel during particularly trying times it feels like the only place in the world where I don't have to emotionally fight.  Sometimes the tears there are because I received a longed for answer or because I get the sense of eternal allies for the briefest of moments and I don't feel alone for that moment.

I am hoping that this intensity will calm down after a period and that I'll learn and adjust to feeling these emotions.  It's a little like taking the perforated lid off of a microwavable meal when it has just dinged, that first blast of steam that risks the old fingers for a moment.  I am hoping that admitting I have a problem might be the first step in overcoming this affliction.  Here's to hoping, eh.

















Motorbikes and fancy dress costumes

I have been thinking about it for a while and am sure that I would like to obtain a motorbike licence for one reason....
To wear the incorrect costume with each kind of bike!
Just for my own amusement and jollies, to make myself laugh.


For example, I'd like this bike



with this cute outfit but adding some fringes and studs ...


 





And this awesome bike


with full leathers in garish colours...



The motorcycling community seem to be a reasonable bunch, they don't take themselves too seriously, I'm sure they'll see the fun of it all, eventually, and maybe it'll even catch on...  What are my odds do you think?


 

Monday 4 April 2016

Poor people are losers, apparently.

I am struggling with the zeitgeist doing the rounds right now that poor people are losers. I have found myself feeling bad, embarrassed, ashamed, a loser. Mr Drumpf had me, against my better judgement, second guessing all my choices and feeling bad. 


I have never been $7Billion in debt.
I have never blatantly lied to everyone within the sound of my voice. 
I have never (knock on wood) been unable to provide a stable home for me and my people, yet I have experienced a period of feeling stupid.


I could give a timeline on why the choices made were correct and the best option at the time.
I could give a breakdown on how I am in the first generation in my family who had some choice available to them.
I could point out that statistically, the worlds entrepreneurs are lucky to have people to bail them out and pay the rent and groceries while they get going. 
I could explain how I am teaching the next generation to make more profitable choices at an earlier age.
I could give a breakdown how building a secure future costs £GBP now.
I am tired of explaining myself and I still feel stupid.


What I do have going for me is a work ethic to be admired, a devotion to strength and honesty and kindness, a responsibility to provide for my people, a serious but amused personality and a long term view of the big picture.


It is difficult to withstand the onslaught of unkind words from the media and raised eyebrows from people face to face who just don't get that you cannot buy that widget to fix the thingybob because it's not in the budget this month, it is difficult to keep the big picture in mind, and it is difficult getting up every day and performing in a job that I do well but might not be my eternal passion.   But difficulty is my fodder, it holds no fear, I'll overcome this period and I'll have great stories after the fact.  I just have to keep the faith in the mean time.


Success to me is no debt, savings in the bank and an income sufficient to have some fun without worrying about offsetting against the grocery budget.  I have a 6 year plan, and we may get there sooner rather than later or it may take a little longer than anticipated but I know my destination and have a roadmap.  One day I'll be able to kit out my house with nice new furniture, perhaps even furniture that goes well together, I'll be able to book a holiday to somewhere I fancy going rather than the cheapest option in a non war torn region, I'll be able to help those coming through a similar path to ours.  I can see the day in my mind, and I have an amazing track record of making the impossible come true.  Watch this slow-motion space.