Thursday 28 January 2016

Poverty Panic Pangs


It’s a lovely, blue sky, crisp air winters day out today, the kind of day which is likely to put a spring in one’s step.
The only problem with this is that I went to work without my jacket.
You know, my green one, buttons up, mid length… that one.
My purse is in my jacket pocket, with my ID card for work and all my money and access to money, such as my bank cards and such.

This isn’t just a minor inconvenience.
It produces within me an attack of “poverty panic pangs”.

Poverty panic is when my mind races and my heart gallops and I start to over-plan contingency strategies and emergency escape routes and re-map my day to accommodate the new event.

It’s a bit overkill, to say the least.

So in my poverty panic, by the time I got to the staff entrance I’d already calculated that I didn’t have time to return home yet, that I had loose change which had been weighing down my handbag for weeks which I could use to “start the day right” with a bread roll from the café on work premises, and that I could turn to the food storage (I kid you not) in my desk drawer.  I keep sachet soups in a little box as a just in case of hunger or perhaps an exciting apocalypse.  I don’t know that I’d have enough time to boil the kettle in the event of a zombie apocalypse but they’re there as a back-up.  I hope the zombies don’t chew through the electrical wiring leaving me without H2O sufficient to make my meal.

I learned once that how you are responding to an adverse situation right now isn’t about what’s happening right now, but about how something similar happened ages ago and you responded a certain way and you are here to tell the tale, so when that “reminds me of a situation” thing happens in your brain, it goes to the draw marked “successful strategies” and pulls out your file and you respond exactly like you did before, even if that doesn’t work for this particular event, and it’ll keep trying until it either works or another problem arises or until you end up rocking back and forth in the corner!

Historically, when “my purse is empty” happened, I planned and schemed and wiggled my way through it, now every time it reoccurs or I feel like it is reoccurring, the same feelings arise and the same response is activated until I hit the “CALM DOWN, You’ve got soup in the drawer” button in my old noggin.

So all the bases are covered. 

The car has petrol, the desk draw has lunch, my handbag has breakfast covered, security are nice and are happy to sign me in.
Now to tell my heart rate that the emergency is in hand.
If you need me, I’ll be the one where my fingers are typing but my head is meditating itself silly to restore equilibrium to this little soul of mine.

Thursday 21 January 2016

The Joy of Budgets and Luck - A Happy Day!


This month I get to put a couple of feathers in my nest. 

A couple of quid, set aside for rainy days, although we tend to get through the money faster on sunny days in our house, ever ready to make hay while the sun shines and head to the beach at a moments notice.

Q. Why is this noteworthy?
A. Because it has never happened before.

It is a first.  An inaugural nest feathering.
It’s a testament to waiting long enough for the blessings to roll in, to have most of what we need and some of what we want.

Now, who knows how long these particular feathers will last?
Not me, that’s for sure.
Cars break, shoes are grown out of, anything could happen.

I have a budget running out another 3 years hence to match the 3 years prior but you never quite know what is around the corner. 

How did we get here?
  • Priorities: knowing what to pay first and doing exactly that.  Ecclesiastical responsibilities aside, I am thankful to my former manager, Samantha N, for telling us quite forcefully one time about when she had some challenges…. In her East London accent she told us with force and gesture “First priority, keep a roof over your head, you can do without electricity if you have to, use all them candles laying around the place!!!, you can sleep on the floor, you can eat cereal for a year but keep a bloody roof over your heads, I’m tellin’ ya now …”
  • Blessings and the generosity of hand me down items from friends and acquaintances.
  • Selling every single superfluous item that wasn’t nailed down.
  • Cutting our coat to match the cloth.  Apart from real emergencies, we tried really hard to use what we have.
  • Make do and mend.  I became proficient at fixing things rather than replacing where possible.  YouTube tutorials coupled with the internet for downloading manuals have been invaluable and I highly recommend this as a money saving approach to staying on budget.
  • Never pay retail.
  • Eating cornflakes, breakfast, dinner and tea, on the really tight months.  Sometimes adding milk!  <Joke>  <not really joking!>
  • Budgeting.  There is not a regular bill comes in to this house without me having had the time to fret over it for months on the spreadsheet.  Who knew worrying ahead of time would be a blessing?  We budget for groceries, utilities, birthdays, Bar Mitzvah’s, Christmas, services such as breakdown cover for the car, tax, insurances and so forth.
  • We make the “running money” count: a day at the beach, do we get hotdogs or visit the aquarium?  There’s often only budget for one or the other and generally I find packing up a lunch means we can still get ice cream and do the activity.

We lost several groups of friends during this period because we couldn’t keep up with the Jones’ or go to “Somewhere nice” and good folks got tired of asking, so to them, sorry, we had to do what we had to do. 

When your calculator key most frequently used is the Minus button, it makes you pay attention.
We’ve never been frivolous, and the feathers in the nest I spoke of are calling my name and burning a hole in my pocket for a completely irrational purchase but I’m going to try and be strong and try and add to it next month.

Knock on wood and wish me luck.

 

Thursday 14 January 2016

Endurance: what a swizz.

Sometimes there are big decisions to make which keep us up at night.
Sometimes we have to work through big feelings or obstacles.
Sometimes things are ok and bob along nicely.


This whole "endure to the end" thing is a total swizz.
Sometimes it's quite an ask.


But using some form of mindfulness you carve some peace out of the chaos.
You create a haven in your soul.


Do you know what you find in that haven?
All the kindnesses you've received.
All the times you made it.
All the times you were ok to be authentically present, joy and sorrow and all.
All the times you didn't screw up.
All the times that people said "hey, I noticed you didn't screw up, good job!"
All the times that you were enough.
All the times it worked out ok.


No sorrow is found in the haven other than any upset that you want to bring there for safety.


Then you have to step out of the haven to deal with the on-going onslaught of life but you know that you have a well of ok-ness that nobody can spoil and which you can step in to for a few seconds as need arises.


Sometimes I forget there is a haven but I found it again today.


x

Friday 8 January 2016

Autism: Hints and tips for positive experiences.

In respecting the privacy of people around me, I am frequently not specific about the origin of a whimsical thought but often the people around me are the source new ideas and ways of thinking.


I am not a big part of the Autism community, I don't have Autism, I am not Autistic in any way, although there are quirky moments that are not too dissimilar to those nearest and dearest to me - the apple never falls far from the tree, eh.


However, I am blessed to frequently be in the company of many people who find their perception of the world to be on what NeuroTypicals (NT's) call "The Autism Spectrum".  I am so frequently in their company that being around NT Kids sometimes is what strikes me as strange, with their quirky NT Ways. (Joke).


For those who may be new to the wonderful world of Autism (particularly HFA in my personal experience), here are a couple of thoughts.


The kids are wonderful, and annoying at times in very typical kid ways, and funny and bright and interested and intriguing and loving and did I mention funny, and smart as anything.  They are a delight.


To watch someone discover the Universe on a timetable with different priorities to you, perhaps in a less linear fashion, and then describe that universe back to you is so enriching and you learn so much about what was only background noise in your life before that point.  A total delight.


Just because you don't initially understand what is important to them or interests them or if they are unable to explain why something has to be that way, don't dismiss it, listen, put yourself in their shoes, try to comprehend, use all of your senses to comprehend.


The kids will be hard on themselves.  Be aware of this.  If they get in trouble at school or elsewhere, find out what happened from their perspective.  If they are having a hard time finding a positive peer group, it will hit them hard too.  Molehills are mountains, be aware, love them, reassure them, explain the NT world to them.  If they are able to receive loving correction, do that too.


Always express happiness in seeing them.  The communication style is often quite literal.  If they don't actively see you being happy to see them, they sometimes will not make the leap that you are happy on the inside.  There is only what there is. 


Listen, listen and listen.


Laugh with them, often just because they are a delight.


Help them develop in ways that match and meet their understanding.  To the toddler who won't put on a jacket because the sun is shining in winter, explain weather patterns and forecasts before the next time you need them to put their coat on.


Make LOTS of time available for nurturing and communication. 


Teach during the good times, the non frazzled times, the happy times.


Ask open ended find out questions.  You will never in a million years guess what it looks like from their perspective, or what their concern really is, so ask and give them time to respond. 


I've noticed that people on the Autism Spectrum have difficulty discerning what other peoples expectation are in the context of conversation (social interaction).  They often cannot guess or judge how much the other person has allocated to the conversation so will cut their answers short to avoid being perceived as annoying when really if you have the interest in hearing, they have a lot to share. 
Its the difference between "how was your day" "Fine", verses "I am interested, tell me about your day..." "Well, so and do did blah blah and then....".


Know that you will devote a large chunk of time, for the rest of your days, explaining and interpreting the NT world for them.  The "but why" doesn't stop at 3 years old.  It is exhausting, try to pace yourself a little if you can.


Keep a gentle heart and a loving countenance as much as possible.  Sometimes you need to change your body language to indicate displeasure, but let your default be gentleness and trust.


Build a relationship of trust.


Raise your game.  There is a strong possibility the kids will be far smarter than you :D


Limitations schmimitations.  You didn't know how far you'd come when you were 3 or 4 or 5 etc, with love and opportunities and gentleness and guidelines and safety and someone to be a voice, there is no knowing how the little ones will blossom.  The children are who they are.  The children will become adults in their own right too. 


It is an amazing, exhausting, sometimes upsetting experience but one with which I am happy to be trusted.


I hope you have a positive experience.








Wednesday 6 January 2016

Slèep as my natural remedy.

When I feel the brain snuffles, depression, coming on, the faster I can take a nap the better. It is a reset button. It gives me time to process that which is in the old brain buffer. It gives me a physical and emotional time out.
Now, I am a cantankerous and oppositional old mare at the best of times and rarely do what is good for myself, prefering instead to "push through" which gets a lot of household chores taken care of which we are calling a "good thing" this week but the longer I avoid extra sleeping, the more sleep I will need  to compensate for my bull headedness later and the less say I will have in the when and where's, so really I am shooting myself in the foot.
I am allergic to the useful medicine which would typically be used to alleviate depression symptoms so have to do this au natrel.
Not naturally gifted with gracefulness, it is sometimes not a sight which would be mistaken for the Royal Ballet Company... rarely has a kid in a tutu exclaimed "look mummy, there's a Prima Ballerina, see how easy she floats through the street, oh wait, my bad, it's the lady next door with a lot on her plate right now, silly me".
Knock on wood it is currently at it's most manageable level in living history.
Not coincidentally, this is also the most rested, fastest to take a nap I have ever been in my adult life.
I am a lucky lady to have a great crowd in my life, to have a strong sense of purpose and self worth, and a strong sense that it's been great so far but the best is always yet to come.
It is a struggle keeping perspective when I can't immediately fix something troubling my nearest and dearest but baby steps.
If I can, sleep is a natural remedy, and it'd be good if I could remember that every once in a while.

Tuesday 5 January 2016

Easy-ish

First easy-ish day in weeks today. Bit of shopping for a lamp, bit of nice news, bit of lovely dinner of chicken in bbq sauce with fine green beans, bit of admin finished.
I am ready-ish to go back to work tomorrow after the holiday season.

Monday 4 January 2016

To those who hear what you cannot say.

Today I would like to express gratitude to the people who hear what you are saying even when you cannot get the words out. 
Sometimes they even help you identify the emotion that is proving elusive and just out of grasp.
I get crazy until I can name and label the feeling or the reason for the feeling.  Nothing else matters until that is achieved.
I would like to take a moment to be grateful for the people who recognise the urgency of a situation when I am pathetically unable to articulate the matter.
Have you ever had that experience where heart speaks to heart, where someone just "gets it" and steps up?

Simultaneously while I was having a hard time of it recently, there was also someone near and dear to me who is experiencing a period of struggle.  They needed help, I didn't know how, if I knew what to do to fix the situation I would do that first but found myself in a thousand possible outcomes scenario and it was frightening.  It remains frightening.  There is so much love that the fear of making things more of a struggle was enormous and paralysing.

So I asked good people who I thought might have experience in this particular matter, and they got it and they replied.
Then I asked the service provider to help me identify the root concern and advise how I proceed for maximum effectiveness. When they said "what is it that's happening?" I had no answer, I couldn't find the words to convey the seriousness of the situation.
I have heard folks say in Diary of a Mom blog "if you don't know where to start, start right where you are, in the middle, just start" so I did.
Now, because they listened, there's a plan of action and there is hope for a successful outcome, because they listened and heard what I couldn't say and didn't know how to say.

I love them.
They may never know that they eternally have a place in my heart brimming with love and gratitude and every good wish for their happiness as they traverse through life.
It is a little intense to walk up to them and say "you saved someone's happy outcome and you will never know the magnitude of my thankfulness" so I'll keep that one in my back pocket for a while until I manage to calm down a little.
I am grateful for them taking the time to really hear what needed to be heard when there were no words.
I am grateful for their amazingly insightful and simple ideas which we tried and are proving to be positive.  There are no guarantees and we are at the start of this endeavour so I'll have to get back to you in a few years time to let you know how things pan out but right now it's looking better than before.
I love them.
Thank you just isn't enough.